the bullshit never ends, does it?! ryan and i had another arguement thing last night. i don't want to get into it too much. i'm just tired of the stuff he puts me through. he doesn't seem to realize it most of the time.sometimes i just want to tell him to fuck off, but that seems impossible for me. i love him so much. but i think we need to take a real break. we need to see other people and evaluate our relationship some more.

yeh. i want a new layout. this one isn't very interesting anymore, and i'm jealous of the layouts others have. so yeah..

tarin cried at 06:47 p.m., 8-5-2002 | comment | otherwise |

we got into an argument last night. it was really a lot of nonsense, now that i look back on it. the only part that held any importance was when he was saying that i don't care about anything, and getting really upset about it.

it really makes me sad that i really don't care about much. i should, but i don't. "everyone thinks you don't care about the wedding" cyril says. and i don't. because it's months away i don't care. when it creeps up on me, then i'll care. but at the moment nothing is really important to me at all. it's saddening, and unfortunately true. but fuck it. nothing matters right now. nothing i do right now will affect my future really, despite what i've been told. nothing is that important.

and now i'm rambling and making no sense so i should shut up and leave my thoughts to myself.

i don't care about much anymore,
it's all a big,
unimportant
blur.

so we'll take your cares and mine and we'll shove them in the back of a closet
where we don't have to think about them.
and fuck it, we may as well put our lives in there, because the only thing we need right now
is each other.
and we'll dance in the driveway to the goo goo dolls underneath the moon.
or we can go to the park and swing until we turn old and grey,
because the only thing i need right now is
you.

tarin cried at 05:56 p.m., 7.30.2002 | comment | otherwise |

i really don't feel like updating. i don't feel well at all. i ate some food at work and it made me full to the point i felt sick. but it was only about 5 nuggets and a small fry o_O

last night i was actually hit on and told i'm pretty by someone other than my friends. while this sounds really unimportant, it actually made me feel special. he's this dood that lives in kansas city and is only here until wednesday. my dad is friends with his brother-in-law, so they visited last night.
when i first saw him i could just feel it. he gave off some kind of vibe or something that reminded me of eric and caleb. i don't normally believe in the whole vibes thing, but i actually felt it with him. it was actually a bit creepy.
anyway, he was kind of drunk and kept repeating himself. "hi, i'm jeff"--he said that at least twice. and he said "nice meeting you" at least 4 or 5 times.
but he was really cute actually, and he said i was pretty. then before he left he said i'm hot. he was also telling me about how awesome kansas city is and how he'd show me all the best places. hrm. when he left he gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, "i'd ask for your number, but we'll probably see each other again soon anyway." which i hope we do. i don't know why, but i found him really interesting. and you know, ryan can't get mad about it because we aren't even dating, and it's his fault. just because we fuck around doesn't mean we're dating, and he knows that. but i can still see him getting mad. and that's why i wouldn't let him find out. nya.
anyway, yeah. we'll probably go visit them at the house they're staying at one of these days. shawn thinks jeff's sister stephanie is ugly-cute and funny. you know that girl from that spy movie on disney? i forget her name. leslie something. that's what shawn means by ugly-cute. she's not really pretty, but she is at the same time. shawn says that he wouldn't mind just fucking around with stephanie every time she comes down from kansas city, then just forget about each other when she leaves again, until the next time. yeah, i doubt i'd mind something like that either, though i feel quite whore-ish in saying so. it's not like i'd have sex with the guy or anything though.

tarin cried at 07:07 p.m., 7.27.2002 | comment | otherwise |

ee. lain was spooking me out, so i had to change it to a more um...cheerful? layout.

not a whole lot going on. i think i may have found some suitable apartments to move in to. right down the road from work! so yay. there are also some more across the street. that would work too. i need to call and get some prices. i'm so excited ^_^ i may be able to get out of here soon. and of course ryan will probably come with. the last couple of days we spent more time together. i love him so much. i really do.

tarin cried at 09:28 p.m., 7.23.2002 | comment | otherwise |

well, this new layout needs a bit of work, but i think it'll be okay for a while.

well.

i'm losing any sense of caring about anyone/anything i've ever had. i think it's been building up since i was younger, this whole non-caring thing. i can remember when i was about 10 this piece of a song that used to play in my mind. i think i made it up. but it has to do with not caring and people not understanding it at all.

ryan came over last night and today. dad gave me a lecture on how badly brian treats me and that i need to tell him to stop and whatever.

the thing is, ryan doesn't seem to realize he's doing anything at all. i know he doesn't mean to, and that's why when he gives me an excuse i just let it pass.

he brought me to wal-mart and burger king. i had to get an alarm clock and a fan (which i couldn't find), and he was just hungry.
i was happy to see him, and excited to go somewhere with him again, even if it was only wal mart and burger king. but he ended up making me even sadder than i have been all day. he was hardly talking at all, and i felt really stupid and awkward in front of him for some reason. i felt like just an idiot.

i want to go somewhere. i want to get out of this town...i want to go to another state. i want to live alone and be able to go out and meet people. i want to be a new person. is that so much to ask?

tarin cried at 07:38 p.m., 7.21.2002 | comment | otherwise |

i wish i could be alone in this house, even if just for tonight. i never get alone time here.

but at the same time i want to talk to someone. not someone in this house of course. maybe andrew or ryan. but andrew's always at work and ryan never calls me when he says he will, so i feel like when i call him he doesn't really want to talk to me, despite the fact that he says otherwise.

today there was some super mysterious pretty goth girl that walked by work and disappeared. she made me feel inferior for some reason. argh. i hate that feeling. a lot of times i feel like i think i'm superior to people, but then one person like her can just walk by and sweep it away.

i'm so ready to get out of this bloody house. i can hardly bring myself to eat here anymore, unless i'm starving.
we eat the same things every day. just thinking about some of the foods make me sick. ranch potatoes (the recipe for which i made even), macaroni and cheese, ramen noodles, mixed vegetables, and baked chicken. that's what we always eat, they just rotate it every few days. and sometimes they throw in pork chops or beef chunks (i really don't know what it is other than beef), which i don't eat anyway.
so my solution is just...stop eating. which isn't really healthy, but i could give a shit. in fact i wouldn't mind if i lost a little weight. since i've started working i've gained a bit. its simply annoying.

no one on my aim list under "irl" is online. those are the only people i ever talk to really, and the fact that none of them are online at this moment saddens me.

i want to cry right now.
i have absolutely no real friends. no one i can just say, "hey, let's hang out" and go hang out with. sometimes i feel like such a lonely fucking loser. sometimes i act like i really don't care, but inside i do.
maybe if i didn't have this inferiority complex thing i'd be okay around people. but i always feel like they don't care about me and don't like me and don't care to hear what i have to say or whatever. god. what the hell is going on in my head? i don't seem to realize that everyone else are real people too, and i'm sure i have a lot in common with some of them if i'd only be able to get past these stupid feelings.

however, it doesn't help that when i do have friends i allow them to drift away by being distant.

what is wrong with me?

tarin cried at 08:28 p.m., 7.20.2002 | comment | otherwise |

yeah. god. i hate when he does that crap.

ryan came to work to see me today. he even brought me a rose. this was at around 11:30. he had to leave for a hair cut appointment at 12. he said he was going to come see me right after it was done so i could see it. it's been nearly 5 hours now. i think that his haircut would not take 5 hours.
why does he do this all the time? am i just overreacting?

i know that when he does eventually come over, i will be angry for a while and then we'll make up and everything will be jolly again. a never ending cycle, it is. blah. why bother even caring anymore? why bother getting angry or happy or anything?

tarin cried at 04:37 p.m., 7.18.2002 | comment | otherwise |

meow. and that's all i have to say.

okay, not really...

today wasn't too bad. talked to ryan briefly. then he got offline to run after some subway, and didn't come back.

he asked me again to marry him. yeah, i'm fairly certain now that he's serious. our aim convo today went something like this:

him: i love you. i want to you to know that.
me: well, i love you too
him: marry me?
me: erm. i can't just do that. what if something happens? i don't want to be married a million times like some people i know *coughsharoncough* forever is a long time.

then he was saying that we could just go out and do it today, since he has a lot of money. at that point i think he was joking. at least, i hope so. at any rate we changed the subject.

i wish i was 8 instead of 18. things would be soooo much simpler. argh.

tarin cried at 07:43 p.m., 7.16.2002 | comment | otherwise |

garr. how i do hate people telling me how to do things, when i'm perfectly content doing it myself. a piece of a scab of my tattoo was peeling of, so i was going to take some scissors to it. it was a chunk like, hanging off...so it wasn't doing any good getting caught on my pants and stuff.

dad comes up, "what are you doing? don't peel it."
"i'm not, i'm just cutting this piece off..."
"okay..."
sharon then comes over, "oh don't do that, you'll take the colour out!"
"no! i'm just taking off this hangy piece!"

geez. and even if i was ripping the colour out, who cares? it's going to be on my skin forever. if i want it to look stupid i will.

i forgot to tell about this...last night they got into another arguement. stupid shit like always. sharon was saying that she always does everyone's chores and cleans up after everyone and everything, which is bullshit. first of all, that's all she does. while dad mows the lawn every weekend and cyril, shawn, and i clean the rest of the house, she's sitting on her ass playing computer games. we clean up after her too. in fact, just yesterday i had to clear the coffee table of her snotty tissue and old diet pepsi cans. and almost every other day i pick up her pillows and blankets up off the sofa (she refuses to sleep in her own bedroom).
dad even got to the point where he was threatening moving. i'm sure he's just as tired of her shit as cyril and i are.
of course, today he was once again calling places to make wedding reservations..eh.

i'm beginning to be glad i didn't get the job at the new hot topic. stupid hot topic.
they didn't give their new employees even two weeks to quit their current jobs. i probably would have been screwed.
stephen is still planning on making me manager, which i'm kind of scared about. i can't imagine myself giving orders like that ^^;

ryan called earlier. we talked for about 5 minutes. it's always like that. and then he always says, "i'll call you later." then, if he calls later at all, we talk for about 5 minutes again. it's all so very pointless, and all of his little lies make me distrust him. isn't that why we broke up in the first place? and he wants me to marry him! i'm so losing my faith in any kind of future we may ever have.

tarin cried at 08:37 p.m., 7.15.2002 | comment | otherwise |

well, this is my first entry here. it took long enough to get the layout up. it's looking okay, though i may fix it up a bit soon. i have the next 3 days off of work, so it will give me plenty of time to that.

things have been kind of crazy lately. i don't know what my emotions want. one day i'm like, "oh, i can't believe he's doing this to me!" and the next minute i'm like, "ah. i love him so much."

he asked me to marry him yesterday. it was the weirdest thing. he was smiling the whole time, so it seemed like he was joking, but i'm not so sure. i didn't answer, and made him get up (he was really kneeling, ne). he said, "i know you want to. just tell me no. just do it!" so i was like, "um...no?" and he says, "see! you did that eye thing, i know you want to." but i didn't say yes or a real no.

meh.

tarin cried at 01:04 p.m., 7.15.2002 | comment | otherwise |

her skin is white cloth,
and she's all sewn apart
and she has many colored pins
sticking out of her heart.

she has a beautiful set
of hypno-disk eyes,
the ones that she uses
to hypnotize guys.

but she knows she has curse on her
a curse she cannot win.
for if someone gets too close to her,

the pins stick farther in.

alias: tarin.
age: 18.
height: 5'3.
weight: 105 lbs.
hair: blondish?
eyes: green.
school: graduated.
status: unknown. eh.
pets: 2 hamsters.
hobbies: web design, listening to music, reading, drawing.

likes: j-rock, anime, punk, german music, invader zim, mohawks, chocolate, rodents, saves the day, new found glory, tatu, lacrimosa, dashboard confessional, l'arc~en~ciel, jimmy eat world, malice mizer, red, black, powerpuff girls, kyo, hide, hyde, mana, tama and friends, hamutaro, pink (the person and the colour), flowers, animals.

dislikes: violence, religion, politics, being at home, kid rock, close-mindedness.

places i like:

pitas:
sucrose
kasou
hinorei
highfidelity
chibiaichan

other people:
lydia
amber
matt
kai

music:
tatu
c&c
harisu
nfg
d c

cliques, etc.:
I purr, do you?
In my dreams they speak with a japanese accent

I won't baa for you.

<< i love girly boys! >>

layout info: everything in the layout, including the poem above is from voodoo girl, by tim burton.